I got married in 2013 and my marriage had completely unraveled by the summer of 2019. When this was happening I was trying everything I could do to keep it together. Now this is common. Most people don’t rush to divorce, they want to try any and everything to keep their life intact. This is especially true when children are involved. My situation was no different. At the initial conversation of separation and divorce I was mortified. I immediately felt like I was going to be viewed as a failure and that my future worth was at stake.
After years of being in an emotionally abusive situation I questioned who is going to want a 30 year old divorcee with two children. The thought that I may be alone forever made me want to hold onto my marriage and ignore red flags and problematic behavior that had broken me down for so many years.
During the process of me trying to hold on extra tight the emotional abuse only got worse. My ex became blatantly disrespectful. Of course he stepped out and had decided that he wanted to dismantle our family to build a family with her. He literally told me, she is the love of my life and I want to start a family with her. I was in pure shock. And then I convinced myself that this was just a phase. That he was not this person and he was just having a early midlife crisis. He was also doing steroids and I thought this played a part. Ladies learn from my mistake don’t do this. If he tells you he wants to leave . . . LET HIM. You will save yourself from so much heartache and pain.
It was already painful that he was a cheater and was leaving me for another woman. However, because I was holding on and he didn’t want to be held onto, he became an evil and vile human being. We still lived together for approximately 4-5 months before I broke and decided to move out. During this time he would fly to a different state to see her but he and I were still being intimate. He told me that I had no value. That I wasn’t even good for sex because I didn’t let him do the things he wanted to do to me and she did. He would go on to compare me to her in every way. He completely picked apart our relationship to let me know everything I did was wrong and how he had been miserable because of me for years. That he should have never gotten with me and that I had trapped him with the birth of our child (the second one, not the first).
All I did was cry. I had become so depressed that I was suicidal. There was one day I got to the point to where I wanted to end it all. I had someone telling me that I was worth nothing, they never loved me, and would never respect me. I went to the kitchen and got a knife prepared to cut my wrists. He came to the kitchen saw me there. Told me in the most nonchalant way, “don’t do this, you are better than this”. I told him to leave me alone and go away because I knew he didn’t really care. And he said ok and left me in the kitchen with a knife to my wrist. While crying, I started to cut myself. And the only thing that prevented me from completing the act was that I didn’t want to leave my kids with a man who didn’t value my life. Who didn’t care whether I lived or died because he was ready to move on. I bandaged my wrist and I told him you are right I am better than this.
Side Note: At no point during this time did he try to call emergency services or restrain me in any way to prevent my attempt at suicide. He wanted me to complete the act so that he could be rid of me and be done with the situation.
The point of this story is to show that I had put all my self-worth and confidence in a relationship and essentially a man who admittedly never cared. And when he discarded me like a bag of trash I was left broken and unrecognizable to myself. You see, at some point I had learned that my self-worth was tied to this man. That I had no value without him. I had lost all sense of who Judy was. My wants, values, desires, and life goals and aspirations were all tied to him. And when he was gone I was left alone. I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person standing before me.
Maintaining a sense of who you are as an individual is so important to your mental health. It helps you to set healthy boundaries between you and your partner and to be able to recognize those red flags. When you know yourself you have the confidence to walk away and when that person wants to walk away you have the confidence to let them go. Continue to learn about yourself, knowing who you are and what you represent. NO ONE IS WORTH LOSING YOU.